What follows below is an imaginary scenario that is made up of endless scenarios that people experience in their realities of “being in love”.
It is a hand-made painting created from the many layers of fears, pain and desperation in the collective subconscious. None of the figures in the painting are real yet the painting and its frame represent our own individual prison that we create with our perceptions when it comes to love.
… Last night I dreamt that we were in a hotel room. In the dream we were 2 people so entangled together that one’s carbon dioxide becomes the other one’s oxygen. So subconsciously, the idea of separation and losing each other was attached to the feeling of death.
In the dream we had a fight and you were leaving the room, slamming the door behind you, telling me you weren’t coming back. I furiously run to the door to stop you from leaving but I couldn’t open the door from the inside. I was hitting the door with anger and devastation, asking you to open it from the outside but you were long gone. In my dream I couldn’t handle the idea of separating from you. I was flaming with pain and desolation and seeking revenge – to hurt you back.
When I woke up I was feeling the pain from the dream in my lower abdomen. My mind wandered to all the moments of pain and despair we went through in our times together, where only the thought of losing each other was enough to shatter us to pieces.
As an experiment, I lay down in bed and tried to capture the physical pain in my body that I had created with my disturbed emotions. It felt like I knew this pain very intimately inside and out. I searched my memory for the first time in my life when I had met with this incredible emotional pain — the same pain that has brought so many people throughout the history of love to the edge of insanity. A river of live pictures, of moments of pain, fears, emotional breakdowns, despair and the hopelessness of losing the “other one” gushed in front of my eyes. My investigating inner eyes continued their journey further back through the tunnel of my life. Here I am with my parents, me as a child, looking for their love, seeking their approval, asking for their acknowledgment. I say, “me as a child” but surprisingly I am seeing pictures of myself aiming for their recognition at much later stages of my life as a grown-up.
Interestingly enough, my internal eyes shifted from my personal movie to the biblical Garden of Eden. God removes his unconditional love from Eve and Adam and sends them away from his property, saying: “You disappointed me and I do not approve of you anymore.” The biblical story of the Eden exile represents the deepest emotional pain human beings feel in the form of rejection.
When we do not know ourselves as a complete existence, when we do not experience ourselves as an essence, we need external recognition to reflect back to us that we exist. We often choose the one we “fall in love with” by their ability to reflect to us our own existence. Unlike true love, the business of love is all about getting acknowledgement and recognition from “the other one.” Like in Garden of Eden, we turn our love subjects into our creators. We give them the power to create us through their approval of us.
This is why we feel that we disappear when our love subjects take their eyes off our appearance.
This is why we feel that we vanish when they remove their touch from our bodies.
This is why we feel that we evaporate when they take us out of their thoughts.
This is why we feel that we fade away when they take us out of their memories.
This is why we feel that we cease when they leave us…
When you hear the door slam and your heart doesn’t even blink…
Not because you don’t care or because you do not love anymore
But because your love is free of need,
This is when you know you are truly free.
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