The following is a question from a student on finding a spiritual home and feeling misplaced. shakti’s reply is here.
Dear Shakti, I was raised in a religious home, and although I am not religious any longer (and neither are my parents, they left their church after many decades), I occasionally find myself in mourning for a place of spiritual worship. I am mostly okay with the knowledge that ‘place’ is not so important. But I am constantly reminded that I a human being on the physical plane and ultimately, I do not want to feel so isolated from other humans.
Ten years ago I felt compelled to try yoga. I didn’t practice yoga for a further 5 years. Yes, I tried to avoid what I wanted to happen for 5 years!
I began when my life partner began. I bought both of us passes to a studio.Now, his practice flourishes; mine has dried up. We have a yoga room at home, he very gently asks me to practice every day. Instead, I read and write and take baths. He is not pushy, but is confused why I avoid it. As am I!
I feel very much like a conflicted person. I am scared. I feel shy in a studio because I can’t help but weep during asanas. All of my teachers have been very compassionate and kind, but I still feel very vulnerable and scared.
Intellectually and emotionally, I know that my own spiritual practice keeps evolving at the pace it is meant to evolve at. I try to be compassionate with myself. I can’t understand why I have made countless ‘moves’ to help others on their spiritual path, and still feel like I’m not deserving of the same help.
Perhaps I sound arrogant and pompous, but I feel misplaced. I actually feel very misplaced on the physical plane, and no matter how I go about trying to reconcile myself with it, I only really feel at home when I am asleep and lost in a world of dreams.
Any words you have that may help me overcome my fear of letting go and taking my partner’s hand would be appreciated. It’s hard being human.