Often sincere seekers feel shaky when realizing and experiencing reality without an absolute meaning. We are accustomed to following structures, walking on paths, aiming for ideals, searching for depth, and looking for people and events that will reveal to us what it is all about. As the mind masters our moments, we are driven by reasons. We lose the ability of being for being, of doing for doing, of loving for loving. We need a reason for every move we do.
Once in a while when I get up in the morning with a foggy mind, throwing into the open air the ultimate question “what is it all about,” I receive from my beloved Pepe all kinds of funny answers that first make me laugh and then put me right back on track.
So when I received the below communication /question, I asked Pepe to reply to it and he did … joyfully … with a large smile on his face.
Dearest Shakti and Fellow Teachers,
Since my experience at Prana I have reached new heights of awareness, oh how wonderful…but I suppose when I started to do this work, I assumed it would be rainbows and butterflies, and at this stage, I am feeling less and less like I am dancing in an enchanted forest. I have a slight feeling this is not what you meant when you talk about bliss
I am grateful for my awareness, as many cannot see what I see, but at the same moment, I find myself frustrated and occasionally, scared. The frustration occurs every moment I realize another destructive behaviour, every moment another reflects back at me a quality I don’t want to acknowledge, and I wonder, what more can I do about this? Is this frustration caused by a lack of compassion for the self, for others?
The fear is more daunting. What is this fear? I suddenly KNOW in the depths of me that not only is everything meaningless, but there is no truth, and while I remind myself that this is what it is, and it is not to say that you cannot create meaning, it is still frightening to see the universe on such a scale. As the world changes I wonder more and more, what am I doing here, and what do I want to do here. I occasionally get the sensation like I have just gotten on a roller coaster, and its started to move, and now I want off, but why focus on the regret of getting on and not enjoy the ride? It is so obvious to me that fear is caused by a lack of grounding, and at the same time, I wonder why my years of effort to ground this spirit seem to be unsuccessful. I wonder is awareness, my desire to change, and my actions of pushing through the fear enough.
As time goes on I become more and more aware of the simplicity in living, and yet there is this deep rooted fear that seems to step in. I sometimes wonder if I allowed myself to become too open, too aware, too soon without properly developing the root chakra. I feel as though I am becoming more present in my body, in my legs, but then, especially recently, this fear comes up. Is this just dark tunnel one must walk through on the path to liberation? To walk into the fear, and come out on the other side?
I realize that not any person”s path or experience is the same, but I wonder, does it occur sometimes on this path where you will see reality as it is, and before you embrace and are empowered by it, it scares the living S*** out of you.
Fantastic ! All you describe is actually a sign that your Practice has come to a very high level. Too soon? Not unless yo u are using drugs.
Reality is truly a terrifying experience for the little ego. When you have an experience of the true Vastness of the Universe and the unimaginable depths of what in Buddhism is called The Void, it’s actually hard to survive it! We must then seek to strike a very difficult balance, walking the edge between “reality” and “Reality”. Most of us have a hard time doing this, and this includes even Teachers and Gurus, many of whom failed to bridge this gap and got embroiled in scandals and messy situations.
It sounds like you are getting close enough, often enough, to “Reality”, and your ego is naturally getting very scared and creating fear, but it also looks to me like you have developed a lot of awareness around this.
Your “years of effort” are indeed successful! Now you have to learn to handle that new level of energy and awareness.
“Everything is meaningless”… indeed!… “there is no truth”… indeed!, at least in “reality”. What does this mean? Freedom! When we realize this, we may not have mama’s skirt to hang on to any more, but, we can go wherever we want! Life has handed us a magical blank book, and whatever we write there, that’s our meaning, that’s our story, that’s our truth. It either “gets written”, or we write in full awareness and celebration of the amazing opportunity it is!
When we plant a tree, we don’t fuss about when it will flower. We just keep creating the right conditions for its growth. Do the same with your Practice. And don’t “push through” anything! Wherever you are, including fear and “destructive behaviours”, just Be there in Awareness. Applying awareness has the magical quality of feeding that which is conducive to your growth and slowly destroying that which is inimical to your growth.
As far as “what am I doing here, and what do I want to do here”, just stay with your Practice. When we have cultivated our Essence enough and removed our Fear, or at least stopped giving energy and credibility to the ego’s panic, our path simply becomes clear in front of us, and we start naturally attracting who and what we need at the right time (what a great teacher called a “magnetic center”). As long as we have to “find” or “decide” what we “are here for”, we simply haven’t found it yet… and that’s ok! Let it come to you organically and in its own time. In the meantime, cultivate awareness and impeccability in whatever you do. “Showing up” fully in the here and now has the power of grounding us… less philosophy and more washing dishes!
I’m glad you got rid of the “rainbows and butterflies” fantasy. The Path requires a lot of courage and discipline, and as one of my most beloved Teachers used to say: “The brighter the Light, the Darker the Shadow.”
As long as we are in this “reality” we have to accept the Dance of Yin and Yang. It’s up to you to dance as a puppet or Dance as Shiva.
Many Blessings your way…
To discuss this posting or to comment, please visit the forum topic dedicated to this article.