Letting go of your need

Below is a question from a student with shakti’s response written below in red.

Dear shakti,

I have come to understand that my romanticism since childhood has been a desire to find love for myself, projecting an external smiling image with a handsome face and preferably a white horse, to shine a little warmth into my doubting heart.

I find that I connect easily with others, to the extent that I ‘take on’ their personalities – or find it difficult to create boundaries, to know what is right for me because I feel so strongly what is right for them.

There has been one person in my life, who I have continued to feel connected to, in a way that feels both beautiful, and needy, because this person does draw boundaries.

I have often thought of him as ‘the love of my life’ because of this deep, psychic connection – he understands me very deeply. Yet, I would like to let go of him, because I fear the neediness I feel toward him, and I have moved on in my life and love relationships. I wonder, if he is my soul mate, that I am not ready to love yet unconditionally, or if I just have created such deep ‘sankaras’ or ‘samskaras’, because of the drama of this first love.

The following is shakti’s response:

Dear Tara,

By letting go of your love subject you are not letting go of your need. You will simply transfer the need to your next love subject. If you are an alcoholic, by removing all alcoholic substances from the area you won’t cut off your need to consume alcohol. It may give some relief for a while and the illusion that you’ve stopped drinking but the need is still there and you are in constant danger of going back to drinking. The change must come from within. You may project your neediness onto this person but by letting him go you do not really cut off the source of the problem; that lies in your own programming. Often relationships are a great mirror for us to check where we are in our spiritual practice.

There is no other way to love but unconditionally, otherwise it is not love, it is the business of love. Rise above ‘sankaras’ and samskaras’ (tendencies inherited from previous births which form a person’s propensities in this life). Do not let any excuse or reasoning stop you from reaching absolute freedom as a being. Love is never the reason for drama, the mind and the ego are. This is the moment to start to observe:

Your neediness
Your attachment
Your ‘holding on’
Your fears to lose
Your manipulations

And cut them off, one by one. No, it won’t be easy and sometimes it will seem impossible because you are going against everything you have learned about love and you won’t have much support from your environment as most of the people around you would like you to stay as you are.

When you are able to love with no trace of fear, pain or neediness you will touch true bliss. It may be the first time that you taste true love and true freedom.

Namaste, shakti

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