Most people have high expectations that their lovers will always be honest with them. Most people rate honesty as a high priority in their lovers’ desired virtues.
The usual perception about honesty is that it is the responsibility of “the other” to always tell us the truth. In fact honesty starts with the one that receives it and not with the one that delivers it. On the spiritual path if someone lies to you, you cannot blame them for it. On the contrary, you are the one that needs to check where and when you set up the ground for the other person not to be truthful with you. On this path, each of us is the center of our own galaxy of reality.
Imagine honesty as a stream of water that runs towards a dam. If the dam does not have the capacity to take the water in, the water will flood everything outside of the dam. If you would like people around you to stream honesty in your direction, you have to have the capacity to take it in- otherwise it will overwhelm you.
It is one thing to demand truth from others and another to have the capacity to face the truth. In other words, simply because we demand the truth does not mean we can handle it and often our lovers can sense it in our actions and energy.
Linda and Bob are just in the beginning of their new relationship. Being fed-up of messy relationships that involved lies and dishonesty, they promise to always be honest with each other, and they both mean it and want it.
Not long after…
Linda just bought an expensive sexy dress she was dreaming about for long time. Linda can’t wait to show it to Bob. When he comes home from work Linda asks Bob to sit down, she runs to the bedroom with excitement, to try on the new dress.
When she is back to the living room, she is asking Bob with a sexy voice:
“Do you like my new dress”?
Bob replies casually, “It is a beautiful dress but you don’t think it makes you look fat?”
The unexpected honest words stop Linda’s breath, her lips frost in a middle of a word that is now hanging down from her bottom lip like an icicle. Even though she tries to keep her facial muscles pulled up to form a smile, they are all collapsing down with gravity projecting painful expression.
Bob misses nothing in the situation, he immediately understands the impact of his honest words but it is too late, the damage has been done.
An hour later dinner carries on in piercing silence, there is no lovemaking for 10 days and Linda’s communication with Bob during the week is terse.
The traumatic event registered in Bob’s mind as “don’t repeat this mistake again, ever!!! If you want peace, keep what you think or feel to yourself!”
This event, where Linda demonstrated the opposite of what she declared as her true wish for honesty, will affect Bob’s honesty in their relationship forever.
So when you ask your lover to be honest with you, you have to ask yourself first if you can handle honesty, as often our energy and actions deliver opposite messages to what we say or demand.
People lie when they need to survive a situation.
People cannot handle the truth when the truth threatens aspects within them that they identify with.
Often relationships become a battle for survival and as a result lovers keep juggling the above mentioned extremes.
If you would like your lover to treat you as a master, you need to become that master!
Instead of demanding honesty, create space so that honesty may flow in naturally.
Lies sprout from fears. So the first step towards a spiritual honest relationship is to remove all fears.
If you do face dishonesty in your present relationship, instead of indulging in accusations, sit down and replay the dishonesty sequence of events backwards. You will find the seeds you sowed which brought about the undesirable outcome. By taking responsibility for the consequences, you empower yourself, your lover and the relationship you both have.
Yes, it is a definite possibility that your lover may already have arrived into the relationship programmed by previous life experiences. In this case it can take some time until she or he will put down their defenses which take the form of not sharing the truth with you. It is up to you to bring honesty and truthfulness into your love relationship, not by demanding but by inspiring.