(I love who you are as long as you become me)
The common pattern is that we fall in love with people as we get attracted to their energy, personality, physical attributes and their characteristic qualities. But once the relationship “takes off”, we start working on converting the subject of our love to become as identical as possible to who we are, since ourselves is all we know. As a result we expect our lovers to think like us, feel like us, desire like us and perceive reality exactly the way we do.
We can say that what was first attractive later becomes repellent.
Even if we win the battle by imposing our ways on our lovers and change them to be who we need them to be for our own sake, we don’t really gain anything. Forcing people to be who they are not creates resentment, as they feel they lose themselves in the relationship.
And this is how it goes:
Imagine this scenario: Mary is a Virgo, a very organized and efficient woman, who irons her towels and arranges her clean T-shirts in an ascending order from light to dark shades. In her tidy apartment even the air does not move so her organized existence doesn’t get disturbed. Our tidy and uptight Mary is describing the new guy she is dating to her best girlfriend over a cup of coffee. She says while beaming with excitement: “He is adorable, he is a journalist and a writer and very artistic in his personality. His apartment is filled with books and magazines; they are all over the place, on the floor, beside the bed, in the washroom. He is so intelligent and creative that his head is in the clouds most of the time. The sink is always full of dishes, as there is always a deadline for him to meet. I always laugh when we leave his apartment because he never knows where his keys are. Yesterday I arranged his closet so he could find his underwear in the morning. He is so sweet, I am so in love with him!”
A year later Mary and Mr. Creative are living together in her no more tidy flawless apartment (because of him, of course, not because of her).
Scenario: Same best girlfriend over a cup of coffee in the same café a year later. This time, a distressed Mary is complaining to her girlfriend about her relationship with Mr. Creative: “I can’t stand his messiness anymore. Why can’t he keep all his books in one place? How many times have I told him washrooms are not libraries? And why can’t he wash his cup of coffee the same day he drinks it? We are always late when we go out because he never remembers where he put his stupid keys, he drives me crazy. We can’t stop fighting; I ask him to be tidier but it doesn’t seem like he cares about my feelings anymore.” End of Scenario.
When we enter into a relationship, feeling and experiencing self-content, we naturally give space to our loved one to be who they are. If you don’t like who they are or cannot accept them the way they are, don’t be with them; but avoid imposing your ways on your lovers. People should change only if this is their own choice. We often give an ultimatum to our lovers; we threaten them emotionally, we manipulate them to fulfill our expectations, we blackmail them so they change according to our comfort zone. We create an invisible jail around them as we take their freedom to be who they are or who they want to be.
Love comes from an infinite ocean of abundance, but as it flows through us, it gets trapped in our internal net woven with fears, insecurity and limitations. As a result, the flow of love gets stagnant, rigid and firm and starts to shape the bars for the cage we are about to place our beloved in.
To be able to allow your lover to be who he/she is, you need to free yourself from the idea that your internal fulfillment lies in his/her being.
So if you are a spiritual lover, you will avoid demanding from your lover
To become a yogi or a hockey fan
To be a vegetarian or to love bloody rare steaks
To stop smoking and drinking or to love wheatgrass juice
To wear high-heeled shoes or sexy clothes
To make the bed in the morning
To visit your mother every Friday
To love the same type of movies you like
To have the same political views as you do
To go with you to church on Sundays
To love reading or going dancing
To want the same frequency of making love that you do
To like outdoor activities or indoors tranquilities
You also cannot force your lover to give you the freedom to be who you are like you do with him/her. Simply let him/her be.
On the path of spirituality we do not change the world, we change ourselves. The same way if you like any of the above but your partner doesn’t, do it yourself and leave your partner alone or don’t be in this relationship.
Free love is when fulfilled and content people allow each other to be who they are and not who they need them to be.
To discuss this posting or to comment, please visit the forum topic dedicated to this article.